Growing Pain
Growth spurts. We still have them--even at 46. Unfortunately, it's not as if a little extra milk is all that's needed to get us through. Maybe a little extra prozac...
Eleven months ago, I started having a growth spurt. That's what I'm going to call it. Some might have defined it as depression, mid-life crisis, peri-menopause--or even full fledged menopause, but I'm going with growth spurt. The "failure" of the business has been looming over my head like a huge, darkly pregnant cloud and I have not been able to get out from under it. What's strange is that the business is still alive, it's just different. I just made it a failure in my mind. I made it huge. I told everyone about my suffering. This is something that's pretty consistent for me. If you have a headache, I've got a migraine. If you're hungry, I'm starving. "Even-keeled" I am not. I like to "go big" with my stuff.
Sleep has eluded me. I have even lost weight--not so's you'd really notice, but...for me, unusual. I've pulled back from the social engagements I normally pursue. All I want to do is get through the day. Then the week. I seem to be able to breathe on weekends only.
So, why is this a growth spurt? Because I feel as if it's somehow bringing me closer to lessons I need to learn in this lifetime. Not sure what they are yet. I'm still in the fog--but I know there will be learning here. And it'll be "big".
Eleven months ago, I started having a growth spurt. That's what I'm going to call it. Some might have defined it as depression, mid-life crisis, peri-menopause--or even full fledged menopause, but I'm going with growth spurt. The "failure" of the business has been looming over my head like a huge, darkly pregnant cloud and I have not been able to get out from under it. What's strange is that the business is still alive, it's just different. I just made it a failure in my mind. I made it huge. I told everyone about my suffering. This is something that's pretty consistent for me. If you have a headache, I've got a migraine. If you're hungry, I'm starving. "Even-keeled" I am not. I like to "go big" with my stuff.
Sleep has eluded me. I have even lost weight--not so's you'd really notice, but...for me, unusual. I've pulled back from the social engagements I normally pursue. All I want to do is get through the day. Then the week. I seem to be able to breathe on weekends only.
So, why is this a growth spurt? Because I feel as if it's somehow bringing me closer to lessons I need to learn in this lifetime. Not sure what they are yet. I'm still in the fog--but I know there will be learning here. And it'll be "big".
posted by Ask Me Anything at Wednesday, October 01, 2008
10 Comments:
The world is moving so fast these days, it's hard to keep up.
I'm sorry about your growing pain, but I've every confidence in the world in your ability to meet your challenges honestly and head on.
Love.
Hey Terry - thinking of you. Was just about to email you, and thought I'd check the blog first. I believe in you. xoxo
It sounds like the learning has already begun. Awareness of the fog and the patterns is the beginning of the birthing of what's next. I hope you'll share your lessons here. Love to you.
It takes courage to open oneself to the unknown. Your candor shows the deep pain and wonderful happpiness that it is to be human. I am very sorry for the current challenges in your life right now, but know it will take you to a better place.
I once heard a quote that says something like, when you're in these kinds of painful spots think of it as you might the pain of metamorphosis from a caterpillar (or worm) to a butterfly. That can't be a painless process... but the results are well worth it.
Also I wanted to say I totally relate to the concept of everything being "big" - it's a trait of creatives, actually. I think Anne Lamott talks about this in Bird by Bird, but I may be mistaken. I know I've read some stuff on this but I honestly can't remember where! :) If I remember or come across it again I'll let you know!
It's a funny place... middle 40's and I am grateful for a new perspective on this chapter..."Growth spurt!" I think you are spot on that we cannot learn things we are meant to without a great sifting of the status quot. The caterpillar, the tulip bulb, all endure a darker dormancy before emerging into renewed life. Maybe that's what this is all about.
First of all, not enough has been made of your patience with me as it took me for flippin' ever to see this posting! SORRY!
Love this: "If you have a headache, I've got a migraine. If you're hungry, I'm starving. "Even-keeled" I am not. I like to "go big" with my stuff."
I love you and everything about you. Every little thing.
I agree - you're growing - that's the perfect description.
I like the designation "growth spurt" Good perspective through a challenging time.
Those stones are just carving out space for more light and love. Be gentle with yourself and keep trusting that you'll know what to do with this when you need to.
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