World View
While driving and listening to NPR in the car as I do every commute--and any other time when Sophie is not in the car switching it to Hip Hop--and I heard a Marriage Therapist talking to Marti Moss-Coane. She sounded about 24, so I was about to get all crotchety, when Marti asked her what she thought good, long marriages had in common.
"The Same World View" she stated. "What I mean by that is that they look at most of the biggies;, like money, politics and raising children, in the same way. They've got the same outlook about how those things ought to be done. That way, when things get difficult, they can always regroup around those things.
It struck a chord with me--it seemed so simple. I wondered how so many people could miss it, including me. After all, my parents had it. Greg's parents had it, too. Although the truth is probably closer to the fact that his mother had no world view so she just adopted his father's. Even still, that would certainly be easier.
When we got married, Greg and I really adored one another because of our differences--and we thought the adoration would carry us through. But, having very different world views had truly been difficult. Nearly insurmountable. However, in the past nine years since we've been back together, our world views have actually begun to overlap. It's now like a Ven Diagram where the intersecting circle is the largest part. How did it happen?
The truth is, it certainly didn't happen fast enough for me. Money had always been our "core issue". We were really pretty in-sync about how to raise the kids from the beginning. Politics could have been another issue. Fortunately, we were both so clueless about politics during the Clinton years (when everything was easy), that we didn't start paying attention to politics until we began to read more, listen to NPR more, and learn more--together over the past nine years.
So, that leaves money. And guess what just happened. We ran out. Just a few weeks ago. We completely and totally ran out of money. Now that we don't have any, our "world view" just came completely together--after all these years.
"The Same World View" she stated. "What I mean by that is that they look at most of the biggies;, like money, politics and raising children, in the same way. They've got the same outlook about how those things ought to be done. That way, when things get difficult, they can always regroup around those things.
It struck a chord with me--it seemed so simple. I wondered how so many people could miss it, including me. After all, my parents had it. Greg's parents had it, too. Although the truth is probably closer to the fact that his mother had no world view so she just adopted his father's. Even still, that would certainly be easier.
When we got married, Greg and I really adored one another because of our differences--and we thought the adoration would carry us through. But, having very different world views had truly been difficult. Nearly insurmountable. However, in the past nine years since we've been back together, our world views have actually begun to overlap. It's now like a Ven Diagram where the intersecting circle is the largest part. How did it happen?
The truth is, it certainly didn't happen fast enough for me. Money had always been our "core issue". We were really pretty in-sync about how to raise the kids from the beginning. Politics could have been another issue. Fortunately, we were both so clueless about politics during the Clinton years (when everything was easy), that we didn't start paying attention to politics until we began to read more, listen to NPR more, and learn more--together over the past nine years.
So, that leaves money. And guess what just happened. We ran out. Just a few weeks ago. We completely and totally ran out of money. Now that we don't have any, our "world view" just came completely together--after all these years.
posted by Ask Me Anything at Sunday, March 02, 2008
9 Comments:
Thought provoking post. I do think it's important to have similar values - but then again as we grow we change so they might not be so similar anymore. Hmm...
I love the overlapping circles you describe. Makes so much sense.
Don't MAKE me start a fundraiser for you!
I love you Michelle. AND I love how our common world view was forced to come together in this way. Sometimes God has to hit you over the head.
As always, you have a unique and clear perspective on a complicated subject. So happy to see a post from my favorite marriage consultant!
As an undergrad in psych I remember reading that it had been pretty conclusively determined that while sometimes "opposites attract," stable relationships tend to be those where the couple has a lot in common.
Yea, hate those bricks to the head. You and Greg were, are, and will always be my #1 favorite married couple, but Michelle and HT are nipping at your feet. Same world view. Wow. Wish I'd heard that 22 years ago! SO. TRUE!
love.
more.
There is nothing like a good strong smack to get people to focus on what really matters. It sure sounds like you've got that part figured out. So glad to find you here again!
NPR is so great for those moments. Thank you for sharing this. Yes indeed, thought provoking as always.
Wish you posted more often. Hope everything is alright with you guys, but you seem fairly calm about the financial issue (and obviously, Michelle will handle it if you're not). :)
I saw it as a huge personal challenge that Bubba didn't agree with me on lots of issues (like politics and money and my vegetarianism) in the beginning. Turns out as we age, our views do tend to converge more. I wonder if it's because our reasons for valuing things are so similar.
Thanks for the food for thought.
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