True Love

I CRANKED out the story of how quickly our marriage disintegrated...it was just there all along, waiting to be told. Far more difficult has it been to describe how we've been able to come to a place of abiding love. The postings became fewer and farther between as soon as I got to the "uplifting" aspect of the story. It's so much easier to write when there is anger, fear or pain tied to the tale. It's like the story is just itching to get itself out on to the page. But when the narrative shifts and becomes more about inching (and I mean inching) toward happiness, its nuances get in the way. The nuances need stillness in order to be told. Not my strong suit.


The past eight years of reunification have been filled with the ups and downs of most marriages, along with the added complication of, "Are we headed down that spiral again" every time one of our core issues reared its ugly head.

Four years ago, it felt like I might lose it all over. A core issue for Greg, job satisfaction, began kicking up. A consistent pattern. It would send me through the roof. What ever happened to men being proud of putting dinner on the table? Who decided it was time for men to find some kind of psychological fulfillment from their jobs? I would lament. However, I decided to change my tack. Rather than finding fault with his search, I would support every idea he threw my way--and there were scads of them. Each time, rather than nit picking, I would say, "great idea, do that". He went down a number of paths a short way and would then stop short and say, "what about...". Although this outward attitude of mine prevented a lot of shouting, it actually didn't work. At the time, I was so proud of how I was "handling" the situation, but in my heart, all the ugly feelings of insecurity and fear just kept rising inside and I had no outlet for them. My whole issue with money has to do with insecurity and fear, so it fits so nicely with Greg's baggage of job fulfillment, which also has to do with insecurity and fear--in a different color.

It's only now...this year, actually the past eight months, that my love for him has found a true home. Two and a half years ago, in order to solve his career dissatisfaction, I joined him in business. This had to fix the problem, right? After all, I am the "fixer". Not only did I not fix the situation, but the business has not been what the world would define as a success. We have made huge mistakes, both together and separately. We have worked and worked and worked--and still we have not "made it". In fact, many would call it a disaster. It is through this disaster, I have been able to find my husband, my partner, my friend.

Instead of trying to fight one another's demons, we have allowed them to coexist. Instead of trying to fix each other, we accept. I don't know which one of us began the process...it doesn't matter. When one person becomes conscious, even a little bit, the other begins to thrive as well.

A big part of me wishes we didn't have to go through this particular suffering to come to this place. The same part of me believes we would have found our way here without it. But the "knowing" part of me...the tiny little awareness that doesn't believe, but actually knows... THAT part is open to all the peace and wisdom every single moment brings--be it looks like disaster or true love.