Reunification Agreement
Having Greg re-enter our day to day lives wasn't incredibly dramatic--for the three of us. After all, he still worked in New York City and his commute took him out of the house by 6:10 to walk in a zombie-like state the block and a half to the train station for his nearly two hour commute. On his normal schedule, he wouldn't arrive back until at least 8 pm, just as the kids were going to bed. Even on the weekends, not too much had actually changed. He worked from home every Friday, so that was a little bit different, but since I didn't work on fridays, that was my day to go the dry cleaners, grocery store, pick up the kids from school, clean the house (kinda) and, hopefully, chat with my sisters and mom on the phone. It's not like I spent the day bringing him coffee and asking him what he'd like for lunch.
What's funny is, when we got separated, we went to a Mediator and got a formal Separation Agreement. It was a good idea. It prevented lots of misunderstandings and miscommunications throughout the two year period, and we both began to understand how valuable it had been for us over that time. So, without even realizing it, we also had a Re-uniting Agreement. It was not formal, nor was it drawn up by a mediator, but there were some definite changes that needed to be put into place. These were the biggies:
For Him:
Other Women: Here's what's weird. My insatiable love and lust of men was never a secret. I find all types attractive, and pretty much always had. I believe my friends and family (and most definitely, my old boss whom I flirted with unabashedly) thought I would be the one who would have trouble remaining faithful. Even I have to admit, I had a history of cheating. There was actually only one boyfriend, EVER (including Greg when he was a boyfriend) that I didn't cheat on--and that relationship was fairly short so it probably shouldn't count. However, Greg was the one who cheated, and his cheating was actually a fairly normal and somewhat innocent situation we all find ourselves in. There was a woman he worked with on a daily basis with whom he had become close. It seemed like no big deal. After all, she was engaged and he was married. With time, however, as Greg became more and more UNhappily married, this woman began to take on more significance for him. And she enjoyed it profusely. We now both understood how something so seemingly innocent could get really complicated, really fast. As part of the "terms and conditions" of our getting back together, I needed him to take responsibility his actions--and to agree to be VERY very careful about not doing it again.
Being a Dad: I had seen him grow as a father throughout the months and months where he had had to go it alone. I didn't want him to backslide. Nor did I want my own habits of taking over and running the show to reign supreme. So, as part of re-entry, we kept Saturdays as Daddy-Days. They were truly wonderful. I woke up every Saturday with that exceptional feeling of F-R-E-E-D-O-M! AND, I got to sleep with him when I got home instead of heading over to my sister's.
For Me:
Trust: He requested my trust. Not on the woman-thing. He knew he had to earn that. But on all the other situations where his way of doing something was different from my fathers'. He asked that I trust he had our best interests in mind--and helped me realize that it was horrible having someone you loved second-guess your every move.
Anger: He asked that I try not to yell and scream first and ask questions later. He said he would answer any questions with complete honesty--but that I made it so much more difficult for him because he couldn't hear me when I was flipping out--he just felt fear.
Those seem so reasonable, don't they? They were HARD, really hard. But, just having two areas on which to focus (for each of us) made it so much easier. We learned, over time, how to let the rest of the stuff go if it didn't fit into those areas. Of course I tried to make helping with the cleaning and running errands, etc. etc. a major part of "Being the Dad" category...don't get me wrong.
However, in retrospect having both a Separation Agreement as well as a Reunification Agreement created the basis for a new relationship out of the ashes of the old.
What's funny is, when we got separated, we went to a Mediator and got a formal Separation Agreement. It was a good idea. It prevented lots of misunderstandings and miscommunications throughout the two year period, and we both began to understand how valuable it had been for us over that time. So, without even realizing it, we also had a Re-uniting Agreement. It was not formal, nor was it drawn up by a mediator, but there were some definite changes that needed to be put into place. These were the biggies:
For Him:
Other Women: Here's what's weird. My insatiable love and lust of men was never a secret. I find all types attractive, and pretty much always had. I believe my friends and family (and most definitely, my old boss whom I flirted with unabashedly) thought I would be the one who would have trouble remaining faithful. Even I have to admit, I had a history of cheating. There was actually only one boyfriend, EVER (including Greg when he was a boyfriend) that I didn't cheat on--and that relationship was fairly short so it probably shouldn't count. However, Greg was the one who cheated, and his cheating was actually a fairly normal and somewhat innocent situation we all find ourselves in. There was a woman he worked with on a daily basis with whom he had become close. It seemed like no big deal. After all, she was engaged and he was married. With time, however, as Greg became more and more UNhappily married, this woman began to take on more significance for him. And she enjoyed it profusely. We now both understood how something so seemingly innocent could get really complicated, really fast. As part of the "terms and conditions" of our getting back together, I needed him to take responsibility his actions--and to agree to be VERY very careful about not doing it again.
Being a Dad: I had seen him grow as a father throughout the months and months where he had had to go it alone. I didn't want him to backslide. Nor did I want my own habits of taking over and running the show to reign supreme. So, as part of re-entry, we kept Saturdays as Daddy-Days. They were truly wonderful. I woke up every Saturday with that exceptional feeling of F-R-E-E-D-O-M! AND, I got to sleep with him when I got home instead of heading over to my sister's.
For Me:
Trust: He requested my trust. Not on the woman-thing. He knew he had to earn that. But on all the other situations where his way of doing something was different from my fathers'. He asked that I trust he had our best interests in mind--and helped me realize that it was horrible having someone you loved second-guess your every move.
Anger: He asked that I try not to yell and scream first and ask questions later. He said he would answer any questions with complete honesty--but that I made it so much more difficult for him because he couldn't hear me when I was flipping out--he just felt fear.
Those seem so reasonable, don't they? They were HARD, really hard. But, just having two areas on which to focus (for each of us) made it so much easier. We learned, over time, how to let the rest of the stuff go if it didn't fit into those areas. Of course I tried to make helping with the cleaning and running errands, etc. etc. a major part of "Being the Dad" category...don't get me wrong.
However, in retrospect having both a Separation Agreement as well as a Reunification Agreement created the basis for a new relationship out of the ashes of the old.
posted by Ask Me Anything at Sunday, January 06, 2008
8 Comments:
This sounds like something we need to do. Wouldn't hurt for couples to refer to the agreement on a semi-annual basis. At. Least.
I agree with Carrie. What a concept if this could be done without the separation! Perhaps you should write a book that coaches couples through the process?
So glad to see you back to this story. It's fascinating to follow your journey.
This is so interesting. Relationships are so very complicated. Its great that were able to have both those agreements, hard as they were. The fact that you were able to communicate about what you each needed is great.
Of course, I want an up-to-the minute update, as well, want to know how it's going now.
What strikes me as the most powerful aspect of this is the honesty and willingness that both of you have to really look at yourselves. I love that the re-entry agreement is actually simple enough to remember and to try to follow. No getting lost in too many details.
Looking forward to more!
Love your re-entry agreement.
Might I also add that I love how open you are about your sexuality. Owning up to your insatiable love and lust of men. It is refreshing.
Work it girl!
Maybe you had to disconnect in order to step back and evaluate.
Perspective is so very important but unfortunately it wears our patience thin.
Love you and your choices.
Suzy
What a terrifically thoughtful, planful way to approach a relationship. I love reading these stories and stopping to think how they might apply to my own marriage.
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