"Wars are fought because of Dashed Expectations"
When I got married, I brought thirty years of What Marriage Meant with me. Like most of us, I had one major example and a few minor examples to bring to the marriage. The major, my parents marriage.
What their marriage meant to me:
-The husband's major interest in life is making as much money as possible
-The husband's second major interest in life is playing as much golf as possible
-The husband is in charge of making a lot of money, and not a whole lot else
-The husband is a dad when he feels like it. He feels like it a lot, but not always
-The wife's job is to have kids, preferably lots of kids
-The wife's job is to make sure the kids are loved, fed, clothed, and do well in school
-The wife's job is to cook, clean and make sure the husband is comfortable
-The wife should be smart enough to be a good conversationalist--and have her own thoughts and identity
-The wife's job is to be the mom, always.
In addition, if there was ever a question of how something out side the home was handled, the husband and wife agreed wholeheartedly that those people were "crazy, stupid, wrong, or just inept" and our way was the "smart, right, only" way. They rarely disagreed. Especially on "biggies" like politics, religion, education of children, charity, etc.
Throughout the last ten of those thirty years, I had made some major adjustments in the idea of how MY marriage would differ, and I felt extremely confident that those adjustments were most definitely for the better. For example, MY husband would not go and play golf on Saturday morning after having been at work all week (and traveling much of the time).
He would also be more involved with the kids, and more of a "partner". However, in my mind, everything else would be like I pictured it.
I EXPECTED my husband would not only be extremely interested in making money (he was, and is) but would also be as successful at doing so as my father--all the while paying more attention to me, the children, the handyman projects at home, etc. etc. He wasn't.
I EXPECTED my husband would understand we were supposed to AGREE on the biggies, and he wouldn't take a differing point of view all the time. He didn't.
I EXPECTED my husband to climb the corporate ladder, or at the very least, get a high-paying job and keep it. He didn't.
I EXPECTED him to be my father. He wasn't.
Wars are not fought because one side is right and the other wrong. Wars are fought because someone EXPECTED something, and either didn't communicate their expectations fully, or didn't actually know what those expectations were until it was too late. The other side may not ever know why they are failing so miserably.
Our families of origin, rightly or wrongly, shape our expectations. Marriages are easier between people who come from very similar families of origin. They are harder for those who have to learn to communicate every single day.
Challenges force people to do one of two things--give up or grow up.
Both are valid choices.
We're still deciding.
What their marriage meant to me:
-The husband's major interest in life is making as much money as possible
-The husband's second major interest in life is playing as much golf as possible
-The husband is in charge of making a lot of money, and not a whole lot else
-The husband is a dad when he feels like it. He feels like it a lot, but not always
-The wife's job is to have kids, preferably lots of kids
-The wife's job is to make sure the kids are loved, fed, clothed, and do well in school
-The wife's job is to cook, clean and make sure the husband is comfortable
-The wife should be smart enough to be a good conversationalist--and have her own thoughts and identity
-The wife's job is to be the mom, always.
In addition, if there was ever a question of how something out side the home was handled, the husband and wife agreed wholeheartedly that those people were "crazy, stupid, wrong, or just inept" and our way was the "smart, right, only" way. They rarely disagreed. Especially on "biggies" like politics, religion, education of children, charity, etc.
Throughout the last ten of those thirty years, I had made some major adjustments in the idea of how MY marriage would differ, and I felt extremely confident that those adjustments were most definitely for the better. For example, MY husband would not go and play golf on Saturday morning after having been at work all week (and traveling much of the time).
He would also be more involved with the kids, and more of a "partner". However, in my mind, everything else would be like I pictured it.
I EXPECTED my husband would not only be extremely interested in making money (he was, and is) but would also be as successful at doing so as my father--all the while paying more attention to me, the children, the handyman projects at home, etc. etc. He wasn't.
I EXPECTED my husband would understand we were supposed to AGREE on the biggies, and he wouldn't take a differing point of view all the time. He didn't.
I EXPECTED my husband to climb the corporate ladder, or at the very least, get a high-paying job and keep it. He didn't.
I EXPECTED him to be my father. He wasn't.
Wars are not fought because one side is right and the other wrong. Wars are fought because someone EXPECTED something, and either didn't communicate their expectations fully, or didn't actually know what those expectations were until it was too late. The other side may not ever know why they are failing so miserably.
Our families of origin, rightly or wrongly, shape our expectations. Marriages are easier between people who come from very similar families of origin. They are harder for those who have to learn to communicate every single day.
Challenges force people to do one of two things--give up or grow up.
Both are valid choices.
We're still deciding.
posted by Ask Me Anything at Sunday, October 07, 2007
11 Comments:
Great post Terry. Expectations will kick you in the ass all the time, whether their yours or you expect them from someone else.
I have a strong sense that you don't give up- you just grow.
Reading your posts have been all about growth in you and your marriage. Amazing work, tough, but you have done amazing work.
You are so right on with this. My experience is that looking for what we expect means we miss the person completely. That you can say "we're still deciding" speaks volumes. Thank you for your honesty - you inspire me.
Wow, Terry. Just Wow.
This is so spot on, so true and honest that it takes my breath.
That expectation thing can trample a marriage and the people in it. And you're right, although I never thought about it that way. It's not about right and wrong, it's about whether or not a way of being fits your expectations.
Knowing this is a gift. Thank you.
Another thought-provoking post.
Give up or grow up...I'll have to remember that one next time I'm being stubborn.
God, I love you, and everything about you! So sorry I'm late in seeing this. I've had several people tell me lately they were missing your postings, I know they are all digging on this one. It's pure gold, and so are you!
This is so great! After 17 years I still find myself shocked when my hubby does or says something that wasn't 'in the manual' of my expectations of how a husband would handle that situation.
I love reading about your honest examination of this marriage. Deb's right - you're inspirational!
Ditto x 6
You give us a nugget of wisdom with every post Terry. "Wars are fought because someone EXPECTED something, and either didn't communicate their expectations fully, or didn't actually know what those expectations were until it was too late. The other side may not ever know why they are failing so miserably."
These words should be in a marriage instruction manual somewhere! I'll be processing this little nugget all day.
The tricky part is we all just keep changing all the time! The only expectation we can have is to expect the change, not really knowing what it will be.
Sorry I'm behind here. I loved this post... Been wondering how you are. This says so much. I'm not married of course, but it still feels right on to me.
I love how you keep going back and again and again to make sure you are getting at the truth of things. You *have* already shown that you don't give up easily. And whatever decisions about your life you make, you'll know you haven't made them lightly.
I think I need to go read this again now.
Amen.
I've read all the posts on this screen and I'm going to have to read all your past posts as well.
I'm currently seperated and will be filing soon so I can appreciate so much of what you describe. And I could probably continue in seperation except my state doesn't acknowledge legal seperation and there are issues (I won't go into them) that make a definitive seperation necessary at this point. But I'm learning a lot from your journey. Thanks for that...
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