Moving...Forward?
After the big weekend, we were still separated. He went back to his place and I back to mine: with children. It was the first time I had been away from them...and they gave me the perfect excuse to throw myself into their needs so I could disregard my own.
The week began like any other; the mundane tasks of pouring OJ, cereal and milk, wrestling down a squirmy blond two-year old to wash and clothe her before moving on to her more placid, put much heavier big brother kept my hands busy, while my pyche swirled. What did that weekend really mean? OK, we still had some love left--but don't you need more than that? Shouldn't the love be bigger? Shouldn't it be mind-blowingly, I can't live without him bigger? It wasn't.
It was sweet.
It was familiar.
It was kind and gentle.
Mind-blowing it was not.
What DID I want?
A day passed in busy, toddler-filled tasks. All the while I was on a "mind-loop". If we were going to get back together, would it be any different? How? We were still the same people. Yes, we had a chance to chill. A chance to understand what it was like on the "other side" of marriage. But...what? Could people actually repair the damage?
On Tuesday, he called. Calling was not in our daily routine. It was saved for changing arrangements or special occasions only. We didn't "check-in" mid-week.
He knew the kids would be in bed by now, and that I'd be jammied up on the couch in front of the TV; old brown fleecey throw covering my legs and feet. I picked up the phone and began to pace the frozen, yellow linoleum kitchen floor. "How do you feel about this weekend?" he began after a moment of small talk.
"Typical" I thought. He won't put himself out there until I do. This was part of our pattern. Part I of what I hated about us.
Normally, I'd just grab any part of that ball and run with it. Today I didn't. I was feeling vulnerable, off-kilter, not quite so sure of myself as usual. I actually let it show for once.
"I don't know, exactly...how did you feel about it?" I stammered.
"I thought it was wonderful", he said. "And I've decided I have to start proving some things to you rather than just talk about them and expect you to make them happen."
"Oh?" I questioned. Where was he headed with this? My heart was pounding as I reached into the freezer to grab a sliver of ice to rub on my forehead.
"I'm going to move to Philly--near you." "Ardmore, I'm thinking." he continued. "I'll commute back up to NYC for the job". "There is a direct train from Ardmore that should get me there in just over two hours door-to-door." he kept on. "That way, I'll be able to prove to you that I'm serious about us getting back together and I want to really be there for you so you can have more of a life while you decide what you want'.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
"OK, that sounds like it might be a good idea" I said, slowly. "When do you think you'll do this?"
"At the end of the month"..."do you think that's good?" he asked.
"Um, yeah". I really didn't know what I thought. This was truly unexpected.
Greg?
Taking initiative?
I was truly off guard.
This is what I had been asking, no, begging for--from him for months before we separated. Maybe even a year.
Wow. He was moving. Was this forward? Maybe. The mind-loop shifted momentarily, then shut down. I'd have to think about this tomorrow. Thank God for hot cocoa and TV.
The week began like any other; the mundane tasks of pouring OJ, cereal and milk, wrestling down a squirmy blond two-year old to wash and clothe her before moving on to her more placid, put much heavier big brother kept my hands busy, while my pyche swirled. What did that weekend really mean? OK, we still had some love left--but don't you need more than that? Shouldn't the love be bigger? Shouldn't it be mind-blowingly, I can't live without him bigger? It wasn't.
It was sweet.
It was familiar.
It was kind and gentle.
Mind-blowing it was not.
What DID I want?
A day passed in busy, toddler-filled tasks. All the while I was on a "mind-loop". If we were going to get back together, would it be any different? How? We were still the same people. Yes, we had a chance to chill. A chance to understand what it was like on the "other side" of marriage. But...what? Could people actually repair the damage?
On Tuesday, he called. Calling was not in our daily routine. It was saved for changing arrangements or special occasions only. We didn't "check-in" mid-week.
He knew the kids would be in bed by now, and that I'd be jammied up on the couch in front of the TV; old brown fleecey throw covering my legs and feet. I picked up the phone and began to pace the frozen, yellow linoleum kitchen floor. "How do you feel about this weekend?" he began after a moment of small talk.
"Typical" I thought. He won't put himself out there until I do. This was part of our pattern. Part I of what I hated about us.
Normally, I'd just grab any part of that ball and run with it. Today I didn't. I was feeling vulnerable, off-kilter, not quite so sure of myself as usual. I actually let it show for once.
"I don't know, exactly...how did you feel about it?" I stammered.
"I thought it was wonderful", he said. "And I've decided I have to start proving some things to you rather than just talk about them and expect you to make them happen."
"Oh?" I questioned. Where was he headed with this? My heart was pounding as I reached into the freezer to grab a sliver of ice to rub on my forehead.
"I'm going to move to Philly--near you." "Ardmore, I'm thinking." he continued. "I'll commute back up to NYC for the job". "There is a direct train from Ardmore that should get me there in just over two hours door-to-door." he kept on. "That way, I'll be able to prove to you that I'm serious about us getting back together and I want to really be there for you so you can have more of a life while you decide what you want'.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
"OK, that sounds like it might be a good idea" I said, slowly. "When do you think you'll do this?"
"At the end of the month"..."do you think that's good?" he asked.
"Um, yeah". I really didn't know what I thought. This was truly unexpected.
Greg?
Taking initiative?
I was truly off guard.
This is what I had been asking, no, begging for--from him for months before we separated. Maybe even a year.
Wow. He was moving. Was this forward? Maybe. The mind-loop shifted momentarily, then shut down. I'd have to think about this tomorrow. Thank God for hot cocoa and TV.
posted by Ask Me Anything at Thursday, August 30, 2007
6 Comments:
Funny, I haven't checked in here in weeks. I must've been tuned in or something. Gosh, different to read now that I know everyone. :) I like it. And I love the story, uncertainty and all, love your honesty. Thanks for keeping at this. You are brave. You rock.
xo
J
Likewise, I haven't checked in weeks. You are sending out vibes Terry. This post is great. In control and losing control at the same time. Funny how when they step up to what we've wanted them to be, it scares the daylights out of us! Great job of showing the seperation of your mind and body... outside working on the kids, inside working on you. Write more!
I, of course, have checked compulsively every single day! THRILLED to see a new posting, and what a posting! Excellent writing, "on the body", love the details, the dialogue, the yellow floor, the ice cube, the brown fleece, I can see and hear it all.
I love the honesty and your ambivalence. Not knowing what you want, but then when it looks like you might get what you want not knowing exactly what to do with it.
It feels like you're telling my story with your pictures. Thank you so much for writing. I've missed your words.
Great to see you here again, Terry. And, like everyone else, I love the story, the details and the way you tell it.
That old saying about being careful what you ask for is so, so true. There are few things scarier than getting what you think you want.
Looking forward to more.
Hey, I missed you!
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