A Brief History (Part Two)
As the opportunities continued to present themselves, there weren't many obstacles. No deaths, no relocations, no job losses, no upsets. The miracle baby became a quietly good elementary school student and never raised a fuss.
In high school, as an unobtrusive, fringe player of the "popular crowd", his status secured as right-hand-man to the funniest guy in class. Throughout high school, he never drank nor smoked. Never. He didn't feel peer pressure, or the need to connect with his peers through shared experience; the fear of disappointing of his parents was a far greater motivator.
Because of their undivided attention in keeping this growing child happy, they kept all pressure to a minimum. In terms of parental expectations, "Are you doing your best?" was the only and often-repeated query. Never any "musts" in terms of accomplishment. He never knew how to answer the question. There were no standards to live up to, no goals to reach, no triumphs for which to be proud. He subconsciously took up swimming, where even if you won your “heat”, you could always improve your time next heat. He never felt the thrill of victory. Perfection became the only measure for knowing if he had tried his best. Unwittingly, his parents may have done him a substantial disservice.
He "knew" he would end up at the University of Michigan--and did. Not a surprise...his dad was a favored alum. It would be the first time he felt real pressure. In his Junior year, he got a "C" in one class--the first class in his whole life in which he hadn’t received an A. He felt like a sham. He started out okay, but began to get frustrated when he wasn't "getting it" As soon as he realized he wouldn't get an A, he gave up. Realization dawned. What if there came a time when he really worked at something and it didn’t end in perfection. What then?
In high school, as an unobtrusive, fringe player of the "popular crowd", his status secured as right-hand-man to the funniest guy in class. Throughout high school, he never drank nor smoked. Never. He didn't feel peer pressure, or the need to connect with his peers through shared experience; the fear of disappointing of his parents was a far greater motivator.
Because of their undivided attention in keeping this growing child happy, they kept all pressure to a minimum. In terms of parental expectations, "Are you doing your best?" was the only and often-repeated query. Never any "musts" in terms of accomplishment. He never knew how to answer the question. There were no standards to live up to, no goals to reach, no triumphs for which to be proud. He subconsciously took up swimming, where even if you won your “heat”, you could always improve your time next heat. He never felt the thrill of victory. Perfection became the only measure for knowing if he had tried his best. Unwittingly, his parents may have done him a substantial disservice.
He "knew" he would end up at the University of Michigan--and did. Not a surprise...his dad was a favored alum. It would be the first time he felt real pressure. In his Junior year, he got a "C" in one class--the first class in his whole life in which he hadn’t received an A. He felt like a sham. He started out okay, but began to get frustrated when he wasn't "getting it" As soon as he realized he wouldn't get an A, he gave up. Realization dawned. What if there came a time when he really worked at something and it didn’t end in perfection. What then?
posted by Ask Me Anything at Sunday, April 15, 2007
11 Comments:
WOW! I love this back story, it tells so much!
I agree, the backstory is great.
Yeah, great to get all this background. Interesting stuff, seeing where people come from and how it shapes them. Amazing how fast it brings understanding to things. This is why we write, eh?
Thank you. Big love.
What worse? No expectations of a kid or undo expectations? Childhood really forms us- good or bad.
Really well written Terry.
You're right, Suzy. It's so hard to find a balance in raising kids. I hope that giving it some thought helps a little bit--but...
Balance is the hardest thing in the world, if you ask me. But Jess is right, this is why we write.
This piece is also why we read.
Thank you.
I also love learning this history, and can see how much you love Greg in this deep understanding of his youth. We are all shaped by our childhoods to a certain extent, no matter what they were like.
As a new mom, I can only say...gulp.
Terry,
As always, it is your perspective on the details of this back story that help us see and understand how critical and difficult balance is. I imagine that most of us encourage our kids to "do their best" but without measure, how dangerous this mantra can be. You really are brilliant!
Greggy.
Gotta love him. Just proves there is no such thing as a perfect childhood! Even "too perfect" messes things up!
You guys have an amazing story.
You really portray the psychological journey well. Very insightful....and I think very common. I like Carrie's term: back story.
Yeah, I love the back story. And as a parent it's absolutely terrifying to know the impact we have in shaping out kids. But as an adult, so reassuring to know that we mostly figure it out anyway.
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