Ambivalence
Until I was a full-fledged adult, I didn't even know what the word meant, but I always loved the sound of it. I love words that sound like what they mean. Not the easy ones like "crunch" or scrape", but the more intuitive--like ambivalence.
As the coffee courtship continued, it was completely non-threatening. I didn't even have to acknowledge it. After all, Greg was never one to rush.. He is, by nature, S L O W.
Slogging through mud slow,
chinese water torture slow,
gin fizz slow.
He takes longer to get dressed in the morning than three women combined. Excruciating.
With a high IQ, but low EQ--I always knew what Greg was feeling months (sometimes years) before he did. I knew exactly when he had hit rock bottom (long after we had separated) and knew he was on his way back up. But, although I knew, I was also quite sure he didn't. Not yet. Not for a while. Perhaps not ever. We could theoretically go on like this forever--discussing the kids, having more intimate conversations about what we were discovering about ourselves from being alone and having to deal with the severing of a crucial relationship, then back to discussing the kids again. The weirdest part was that it didn't really bother me. Because, although we weren't sleeping together, we weren't fighting either. We were just being. The pressure was off. Really and truly off. This non-relationship relationship went on for months. It was heaven and limbo combined.
Every Saturday, for two to three hours, we talked. It was nothing and everything.
He admitted: he had betrayed me--by avoiding the hard truths--about his job, about how he handled "our" money, about his feelings for other women. (Not a player--but not yet a true husband)
I admitted: I was impatient, had unrealistic expectations (which I hadn't shared with him, but blamed him for not satifying) and I was disappointed in him.
These truths didn't come out in a day, or two--but very very slowly. And, as they did, my ambivalence increased. I liked him again. It hadn't actually been the issues I couldn't deal with, it had been his refusal to acknowledge them that forced me out. Now that he was acknowledging, I was really torn. As I said before, I always knew he loved me (I must credit my parents--especially my father, for this incredible self-confidence!) and this was actually not a bad way to live.
Upside: Alone for five days (no worries about dinner, etc), weekends "off", I now had a job which gave me spending money.
AND, I was looking for a new boyfriend.
Downside: My kids were without their dad five days a week, I was (slowly) falling back in love with him--making the attempts at finding a new boyfriend a bit difficult.
I had mixed feelings. Oh well. I didn't have to decide--not yet.
As the coffee courtship continued, it was completely non-threatening. I didn't even have to acknowledge it. After all, Greg was never one to rush.. He is, by nature, S L O W.
Slogging through mud slow,
chinese water torture slow,
gin fizz slow.
He takes longer to get dressed in the morning than three women combined. Excruciating.
With a high IQ, but low EQ--I always knew what Greg was feeling months (sometimes years) before he did. I knew exactly when he had hit rock bottom (long after we had separated) and knew he was on his way back up. But, although I knew, I was also quite sure he didn't. Not yet. Not for a while. Perhaps not ever. We could theoretically go on like this forever--discussing the kids, having more intimate conversations about what we were discovering about ourselves from being alone and having to deal with the severing of a crucial relationship, then back to discussing the kids again. The weirdest part was that it didn't really bother me. Because, although we weren't sleeping together, we weren't fighting either. We were just being. The pressure was off. Really and truly off. This non-relationship relationship went on for months. It was heaven and limbo combined.
Every Saturday, for two to three hours, we talked. It was nothing and everything.
He admitted: he had betrayed me--by avoiding the hard truths--about his job, about how he handled "our" money, about his feelings for other women. (Not a player--but not yet a true husband)
I admitted: I was impatient, had unrealistic expectations (which I hadn't shared with him, but blamed him for not satifying) and I was disappointed in him.
These truths didn't come out in a day, or two--but very very slowly. And, as they did, my ambivalence increased. I liked him again. It hadn't actually been the issues I couldn't deal with, it had been his refusal to acknowledge them that forced me out. Now that he was acknowledging, I was really torn. As I said before, I always knew he loved me (I must credit my parents--especially my father, for this incredible self-confidence!) and this was actually not a bad way to live.
Upside: Alone for five days (no worries about dinner, etc), weekends "off", I now had a job which gave me spending money.
AND, I was looking for a new boyfriend.
Downside: My kids were without their dad five days a week, I was (slowly) falling back in love with him--making the attempts at finding a new boyfriend a bit difficult.
I had mixed feelings. Oh well. I didn't have to decide--not yet.
posted by Ask Me Anything at Sunday, February 18, 2007
10 Comments:
LOVE this story!!!!! You have such a great "voice."
Love being on this journey with you again, but from this side. Love how you get the angst in with humor (the slow analogies had me belly laughing). MORE!
Terry, this is really great writing. I love your 'voice.' And I also loved the slow references...just so funny. More, please.
On another note, thanks so much for your comment on the Bruce post. Check out Hope Edelman's essay about him: http://www.hopeedelman.com/articles-edelman.htm
Thanks Prema--I'll do it now.
Your writing stirs of a lot of emotion, which I believe is a sign of a good writer.
Hi again Terry. I'd like to email you. Would you email me (prema@riversgrace.com) and give me yours? Thanks
"Gin fizz slow"
Brilliant. Always finish reading wanting more. A good sign, yes?
Yes!
My husband takes forever to get dressed and stuff too.
I love this story of you two.
Terry, you combine detail, emotion, humor and we are right there in the story. I love your writing!
I love reading your story, love your writing, love your voice. It always stays with me, and I can't wait for the next installment.
And, I do hope to meet you someday. But you did sit next to me this weekend in your bear incarnation, and we did feed you lots of chocolate. I think there are pictures... Ask Carrie.
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