SHM vs WM (continued)
I return to the truthful statement: "Women marry men expecting they will change--and men marry women expecting they won't change"
Not only did my husband rebuke my efforts to assist him in changing, he got annoyed when I did. I was enjoying my new status as a SHM so much, I didn't notice. I was busy changing. In love with my son and falling in love with the daughter who was about to join the world; enamored with women again for the first time since sixth grade. Something I never noticed before in the cycle growing up: I was in love with my best girlfriends from sixth grade through high school, but when I got my first serious boyfriend, around the age of sixteen, boys and men took precedence in my life for the next twenty years. TWENTY.
Believe me, I am not saying I didn't enjoy those years. I devoured the life out of them. I had sex. Really really good sex--and lots and lots of it. I ate in great restaurants. I traveled. I skydived. I danced. I treated myself. (it WAS the eighties) I'm not saying I didn't have girlfriends then, but they were secondary.
After I got married and had two kids, men took a back seat. Women were the ones who now brought the joy. We were all on this incredibly uniting journey of motherhood. It was then I met Kim, Kirsten, and Carrie--and later, Molly, Saskia and Lori. Say what you will, but the women you share new parenthood with, are, without a doubt, a profound and lasting influence. They love your kids and you love theirs with the kind of fierce loyalty that will never be shaken.
So, I guess this was a little hard on Greg. I tried to share my day with him...but it wasn't like he understood. He tried to share his day with me; but all I did was cross-examine him on every choice he made. I had already forgotten what it was like to be "working for the man" and I had no idea what it was like to be an entrepreneur. To be frank, I wasn't interested. He kept wondering where the HPFE went. She was long-gone. He wanted her back. I didn't.
One of my greatest strengths is that I throw myself wholeheartedly and with incredible force into whatever I'm doing. It's also a great weakness, especially when so much of being in a healthy (notice I didn't say happy!) marriage is about compromise and understanding the validity of someone else's point of view.
Fast forward to Separation. I hadn't worked in four years. Throughout the first year of separation, I still didn't work because I knew that would be a bigger adjustment for my kids than not living with their dad. But now, a year into my not wanted, but newfound life as an SM (single mom), I began to feel I should go back. Aside from having some independence, how would I meet a new guy if I was not "out in the world"?
Ironlcally, WM emerged.
Not only did my husband rebuke my efforts to assist him in changing, he got annoyed when I did. I was enjoying my new status as a SHM so much, I didn't notice. I was busy changing. In love with my son and falling in love with the daughter who was about to join the world; enamored with women again for the first time since sixth grade. Something I never noticed before in the cycle growing up: I was in love with my best girlfriends from sixth grade through high school, but when I got my first serious boyfriend, around the age of sixteen, boys and men took precedence in my life for the next twenty years. TWENTY.
Believe me, I am not saying I didn't enjoy those years. I devoured the life out of them. I had sex. Really really good sex--and lots and lots of it. I ate in great restaurants. I traveled. I skydived. I danced. I treated myself. (it WAS the eighties) I'm not saying I didn't have girlfriends then, but they were secondary.
After I got married and had two kids, men took a back seat. Women were the ones who now brought the joy. We were all on this incredibly uniting journey of motherhood. It was then I met Kim, Kirsten, and Carrie--and later, Molly, Saskia and Lori. Say what you will, but the women you share new parenthood with, are, without a doubt, a profound and lasting influence. They love your kids and you love theirs with the kind of fierce loyalty that will never be shaken.
So, I guess this was a little hard on Greg. I tried to share my day with him...but it wasn't like he understood. He tried to share his day with me; but all I did was cross-examine him on every choice he made. I had already forgotten what it was like to be "working for the man" and I had no idea what it was like to be an entrepreneur. To be frank, I wasn't interested. He kept wondering where the HPFE went. She was long-gone. He wanted her back. I didn't.
One of my greatest strengths is that I throw myself wholeheartedly and with incredible force into whatever I'm doing. It's also a great weakness, especially when so much of being in a healthy (notice I didn't say happy!) marriage is about compromise and understanding the validity of someone else's point of view.
Fast forward to Separation. I hadn't worked in four years. Throughout the first year of separation, I still didn't work because I knew that would be a bigger adjustment for my kids than not living with their dad. But now, a year into my not wanted, but newfound life as an SM (single mom), I began to feel I should go back. Aside from having some independence, how would I meet a new guy if I was not "out in the world"?
Ironlcally, WM emerged.
posted by Ask Me Anything at Saturday, January 13, 2007
8 Comments:
Wow, talk about leaving us hanging. WM? This will drive me nuts until you write the next piece. Intriquing story, can't wait to hear more.
love reading your story. and hearing so much of my own in it.
"Not only did my husband rebuke my efforts to assist him in changing, he got annoyed when I did."
~deja vu
It's almost like we live a series of seperate lives in this one lifetime isn't it?
This piece speaks to that beautifully.
Love your ability to look at yourself with such candor.
So glad you decided to blog!
I hate the phrase "people never change." As this story shows, it's just not true. Thank goodness.
The first few sentences had my eyes watering and the rest made me feel not so alone in my feeling what I feel. Evolution of the soul is not my enemy.
I love your writing, love reading your story. I'm so glad you are coming next month!
So Terry, this post. So honest, so candid, so humorous! Those first few years of new motherhood are life changing, certainly. Glad you were part of my journey then, and now.
I'm glad you were able to find that kind of balance.
I want to be you!
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