And the role of the Overbearing Wife will be played by...
Did I have anything to do with the disillusionment of my marriage? I thought not.
Of course that isn’t true. One brilliant and insightful person (I don’t know whom) once said, “women marry men in hopes that they will change--and men marry women in hopes that they won’t change.” In my case, this proved to be all too true.
I married what I saw as extraordinary potential in my husband. Incredibly knowledgeable on so many topics of which I knew nil—extraordinarily creative and imaginative, beautiful taste in everything, money hungry , no guilt: he was my antithesis in every way (except for perhaps the money-hungry part).
He married an outgoing, fun-loving, high energy “doer” with a solid career-track and a good sized savings account.
I expected his potential to begin to manifest the day we arrived home from our honeymoon. He expected me to remain unchanged. I did for a while, and we were blissfully happy. I kept my job and our social life going, my pregnancy was easy and happy, sex was awesome and often. The happiness continued through the birth of our son, our move to Portland from Los Angeles and the birth of our second child.
During the second pregnancy and subsequent move, I quit my job to become a full time mom. To me, this was a no-brainer. It never occurred to me that it might change the dynamic in my marriage. The first year after I quit was not too difficult. I was busy with a toddler and one on the way and really didn’t pay much attention to my husband’s work life. By year two, with our finances dwindling and our cash flow sketchy (he was a free lance creative director), I was a little more aggressive with a “show me the money” attitude. Year three I was in his face nightly. “What did you do today?” I’d begin. “Then what?” I’d continue. When he would explain situations with colleagues and clients, I’d question each and every choice. “Why’d you say that? Why didn’t you say this?” I just couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t choose to do and say things the way I would—more aggressively!
While I adored being a stay home mom, I was unprepared to leave the life of luxury I had previously enjoyed—and wasn’t too gracious about it. I expected him to pick up every inch of slack—and more. I still wanted to go out to great restaurants when and if the occasion arose; I still wanted my Starbucks daily, I still wanted, and expected, to buy brand name foods at Trader Joes or a Whole Foods equivalent. In addition, I did not expect any lag time between the time I quit my job and the time it would realistically take to make up the difference in my salary. What the hell was his problem? He was working constantly—he should be MAKING MORE MONEY! That was his job. That’s what my dad did. What was wrong with him for God’s sake.
How quickly did I go from Savvy Business Woman to Whiney Wife? Quicker than a house on fire. At the time, however, I insisted I hadn’t changed a bit.
Of course that isn’t true. One brilliant and insightful person (I don’t know whom) once said, “women marry men in hopes that they will change--and men marry women in hopes that they won’t change.” In my case, this proved to be all too true.
I married what I saw as extraordinary potential in my husband. Incredibly knowledgeable on so many topics of which I knew nil—extraordinarily creative and imaginative, beautiful taste in everything, money hungry , no guilt: he was my antithesis in every way (except for perhaps the money-hungry part).
He married an outgoing, fun-loving, high energy “doer” with a solid career-track and a good sized savings account.
I expected his potential to begin to manifest the day we arrived home from our honeymoon. He expected me to remain unchanged. I did for a while, and we were blissfully happy. I kept my job and our social life going, my pregnancy was easy and happy, sex was awesome and often. The happiness continued through the birth of our son, our move to Portland from Los Angeles and the birth of our second child.
During the second pregnancy and subsequent move, I quit my job to become a full time mom. To me, this was a no-brainer. It never occurred to me that it might change the dynamic in my marriage. The first year after I quit was not too difficult. I was busy with a toddler and one on the way and really didn’t pay much attention to my husband’s work life. By year two, with our finances dwindling and our cash flow sketchy (he was a free lance creative director), I was a little more aggressive with a “show me the money” attitude. Year three I was in his face nightly. “What did you do today?” I’d begin. “Then what?” I’d continue. When he would explain situations with colleagues and clients, I’d question each and every choice. “Why’d you say that? Why didn’t you say this?” I just couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t choose to do and say things the way I would—more aggressively!
While I adored being a stay home mom, I was unprepared to leave the life of luxury I had previously enjoyed—and wasn’t too gracious about it. I expected him to pick up every inch of slack—and more. I still wanted to go out to great restaurants when and if the occasion arose; I still wanted my Starbucks daily, I still wanted, and expected, to buy brand name foods at Trader Joes or a Whole Foods equivalent. In addition, I did not expect any lag time between the time I quit my job and the time it would realistically take to make up the difference in my salary. What the hell was his problem? He was working constantly—he should be MAKING MORE MONEY! That was his job. That’s what my dad did. What was wrong with him for God’s sake.
How quickly did I go from Savvy Business Woman to Whiney Wife? Quicker than a house on fire. At the time, however, I insisted I hadn’t changed a bit.
posted by Ask Me Anything at Sunday, October 08, 2006
6 Comments:
Such wonderful insights. Glad you are miles ahead of this and glad you are willing to share what you have learned!
Awesome work. It is nice to hear about a sad story with a happy ending! Also, glad to be hearing it backwards, less stress that way!
See! You're a writer! Your warmth, humor and tremendous ability to laugh at yourself is shining through! I'll never forget those days of generic food. Remember when Claire BEGGED for Skippy peanut butter?
Great honesty in this piece, as with the others.
Your writing is so alive. More, more, more!
I cannot believe that you haven't been writing all along! Awsome! Hard to find and accept fault within. Your blog is like reading a page of a great book each day. I look forward to it. No preasure... :)
You all are WAY overdoing it. Stop! no dont stop, Stop, no don't stop!
Post a Comment
<< Home